love may, life never can.

Lara,

Hon, happy birthday! another year for you eh? it was like just this morning. this same morning, the first morning i saw and met you.. the sky was blue, the sun was warm, everything seems so perfect. just as today.. everything seems perfect, everything looks so perfect.

remember that day hon? the first time we met? you were the hardest girl to look at.. its as if your aura of sheer intensity drives me away. it was never easy talking to you.. youre the type that seems to hate guys. or you just deflect guys away huh? but.. good thing i endured, youre the prize i’d die for anyway.

our first date? it was awkward. or atleast only for the start.. remember how we used to wait till someone gives in and opens a topic? if i didnt talk, i knew nothing will happen. since im the guy, yea, i gave in. and only because i wanted to know you much.

firsts.. every firsts has an end. and it seems ours has the same fate too..

when i was young.. i thought of dying young. younger than 30, or maybe even 20, i know i’ll die early.. i never really thought of having a life like this before.. i was fully aware of how short life is, and i know how fragile humans are. but since you came to my life, i started to have dreams of living more than 50 years from now.. i started to have a vision of having a life without end..

remember how we used to dream our life out? our plans, our goals.. our personal dreams.. and the dreams we both share. having kids, watching you grow old.. being with you.. forever. being with you both in good times and bad.. how lovely is it– to watch the world end– with you. my love for you doesnt end.

you gave my short life the longest days.. and filled my nights with extra hours.. my life was longer than i thought it’d be. my life was worth living since you came. my life was more than a typed out paragraph since you came into my diary. you gave me life.. my love for you doesnt end.

i was too happy with you that i never thought of other things. i forgot how short life was.. i forgot how fragile i can be. i forgot my own mortality.

i was too afraid to tell you such things ive been through.. i knew i wouldnt last long. but i never gave you a sign.. which i still dont know if its a good thing or not. was it better to have a sudden death, than to let you know that i’ll leave? i chose to kept it as a secret. not because i was being selfish and all. i just dont want to…

you made my life longer than i expected it’d be.. you made my fragile humanity stronger. Hon, having you made my life perfect. never had i been regretful, never had i been disappointed..

if only i had chances of living longer, if only i wasnt bound to this day.. i’ll love you more than ever. if only i had a day more, i’ll love you equal to more thousand days of loving you. if only i had a day more, I’ll tell you how worthy i was to live a life for you. if only i had a day more, i’ll fulfill all the promises we held on to.

im sorry hon. i guess i cant.. you just have to go on without me. no matter what i do, my love alone cant make me live longer.. no matter how what i do, my love alone cant bring me back to life! even if i had all the love in the world.. nothing.. nothing.. can make me live for you.

im sorry. but its not something to make you drown with despair, hon, as much as possible, i wanted you to be happy. be happy without me. i know it’ll be hard for you, but keep in mind that youre not the only one who had the loss. my mom’s there for you, and i want you to be there for her.. love her the way i love her. my sister’s there too.. my friends.. you have to be strong for them.

one day you’ll find someone else that can fill up the lonely space in your heart. someone will enter youre life, im sure of it. somebody will make you happy.. and i dont want you to keep that happiness away from you.. you dont have to be miserable just so you wont forget me. i never wanted you that way, even if im there and alive, i’d rather see you happy than to see you being agonized with me. its just not right. if im dead and gone, i dont want you to be less sane. i’d rather see you hating me than hating the life and world around you. dont you get it? theres no point of holding me anymore. love me or not, would you think i’d care much?

live the dreams we used to have! find a good husband and love him like you loved me.. i’ll know you’ll be a great mum. have kids and teach them well. i know you’ll find a guy worthy enough for you.. find a guy that would promise you that he’ll love you like i did, or better if he exceeds mine. find someone who might even promise that he makes sure that he wont die before you do. find someone who can tell you how much he loves you without speaking..

i know it wont be easy.. i know. but in time hon.. in time you’ll learn how to let go of me. and when that moment comes, i wanted you to live for me. to live is to love, and to love is to know pain; to have such pain and to have much love is life’s rules. and such rules wont make one defy the fragility of being human. life was never fair, who told you life ever was? much love has been paired with such pain.

in time you’ll know how to let me go. in time you’ll accept our fate.

i know you’ve always loved me, Happy birthday hon. remember that i’ve always love you, and gave you my last breath.

my love for you never ended, however.. my life did.