Death Thoughts

A friend handed me a thin book and made me read it. She already told me the gist of the story, so there’s no element of surprise. It’s about a little boy who was deathly sick but was afraid to die. The boy did die in the end of the story. But he was able to overcome the fear that crept in him. This made me ponder what it’s really like to die. My dear paternal grandmother has been telling that every man’s days are numbered. Even when we still disagree on some religious views, it was something I couldn’t argue with.

This sounds spooky but I have been having thoughts about death lately. Am I depressed? I do not know for sure. Yeah, I get lonely at times, don’t we all? Things have been pretty well so I guess I’m not clinically depressed. Am I sick? That I’m not sure of. I have been losing weight for months but the weight loss isn’t that alarming. (At least that’s what I thought of, needs medical attention though!) So back on the death thoughts, am I scared to die? I must admit I am. Who isn’t? Am I ready? At this point in time, absolutely I am not. I have so many questions when it comes to death. How will I die? Will it be through a contagious disease? Will I get hit by a bus or something? Will I be stabbed to death by a freak like it was on my nightmares? What will happen when I die? Will my friends mourn for me? How will I be remembered by the people I worked with, and I loved? Death, as I know it, is both ending and beginning. It’s the end of one’s life here on earth, but it also starts your life on eternity. I once read that death isn’t the opposite of life unlike almost everybody else is thinking, but the absence of it. But yes, I just said life on eternity.  Eternal life, a two-dollar church phrase, is what you are going to start dealing with. Do I buy it? Yes. This is in fact one of the reasons why I am afraid to die. I don’t know what will happen to me the second I have to breathe my last. Where will I go? Heaven or hell, I don’t know. Just because I got right with God for a reason I can’t now remember, will that mean I already have a ticket to heaven? If I would ask God for forgiveness on my deathbed, will he consider my sins moot? Even the ones I never imagined I could do (mind you, they sometimes shock me)? Will that also mean I have to ask forgiveness to a bitch I called ##### when she stole my boyfriend? The mere thoughts of hell and burning thing will surely make me give everything I have just so I wont be there, even Whashisname (the bastard who was, for some time with the bitch I called #####) One more thing that gets me thinking is how my loved ones’ lives will be after I’m gone. Will they forget me as time goes by? Will the pain of my loss remain on them after a decade has passed? Will they miss me? Will they find someone to replace me? Have I been good enough to them? What will be my legacy? Have I touched their lives while I was still living? Will they tell something good about me to their children or to their grandchildren perhaps?

So what now? What if God tells me tonight that I am going to have my last day tomorrow? Guess that would be less traumatic. All questions I have written down here will be answered, for you bet I will ask them before God tells me time’s up. But God doesn’t do that. Death, eerie as it must be, still has an element of surprise. You can’t know for sure when it will come. Maybe that’s how the “Life is short” cliché came about.  It can be short when you die instantly. So my death will surely come, same with everyone. I just hope it wont be too soon. ☺ And I guess for now, what I can do is to make sure I’m living life to its fullest while it lasts, and find out how the boy mustered the courage he had at the point of his death.