Relationship Tip: The Value of Listening

Way back when I was taking my masters, I remember my first assignment in marital counseling class. After the wife rattled on about her complaints against her husband for about 10 minutes, I asked the husband to paraphrase what his wife said. The husband was taken aback and said something that was quite far from what the wife meant, which of course, made the wife more furious. I then asked the wife to repeat what she said, and this time, the husband really listened. He then made an accurate paraphrase, to which the wife remarked, “Now, at last, he understands!”

When we think of communication, we often think of ways we can express ourselves better … the right words to say, our facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. What we often forget is that communication is a two-way process, and 50% of it involves listening to the other person.

When we are conversing and there is a fair exchange of words between the parties, we may think that we are communicating. But are we really understanding each other? Studies show that we only remember 25-50% of what we hear. No wonder there are so many misunderstandings and conflicts among couples, friends, co-workers, and other relationships.

So how do you listen well?

There are so many tips on listening, but these two will most likely take care of the rest:

• Listen with your mind.
  • Be prepared to paraphrase or summarize the content of what the other person said.
  • From time to time, do paraphrase or summarize to clarify your understanding.
• Listen with your heart.
  • Get a sense of what the other person is feeling. These feelings may be expressed explicitly or implied in the story. Sometimes, you may have to put yourself in their shoes and guess how it must have felt for them.
  • Express your empathy. You can say things like “you sound so happy”, or “that must have been so frustrating for you!”.

Now there are times when it may be hard to listen with your mind, such as when a wife talks about her latest shopping adventure, and the husband is worried about the effects on his bank account. Or a husband is talking about office politics and the wife couldn’t care less. In personal relationships, I would suggest you focus on listening with your heart. After all, that is probably all your partner wants from you … the assurance that you value him or her.

This is the hidden but more important value of listening … you are giving the other person VALUE. You are in effect telling the other person: “ I am investing my time and attention on you because you are important to me, I value you, I respect you, I care about you, I want to know you more, I want to know what is in your heart and mind.” Listening is an investment in your relationship. Make wise investments!

Visit www.powercounseling.wordpress.com for more articles.