Inner Child Therapy: On Aging

Ade:   This morning, I found three gray hairs on my head.
Inner Child:   So?
Ade:   That means I’m growing old, you insensitive sonofabitch.
Inner Child:   And tell me again, why should I care?
Ade:   Um, because you’re part of my subconscious?
Inner Child:   And?
Ade:   I knew it, you couldn’t care less if I’m on the road to growing old. I’ll go find somebody to talk to.
Inner Child:   Wait, wait. You’re growing old?
Ade:   Apparently, yes. Y’see, we humans have something called a BODY. A body, which parts of the ego -like you- do not have, ages. And therefore, when the body ages, stuff like an aching back, a thinning hairline, an expanding belly and an inability to sustain an erection for more than three seconds. And oh yeah, white hair.
Inner Child:   You mean… you can’t keep your birdie stiff for more than three seconds?
Ade:   NO! I didn’t mean me, I meant–
Inner Child:   But you just said–
Ade:   My point is, I’m growing white hair and I feel old.
Inner Child:   But what about your bird?
Ade:   Let’s not talk about THAT, okay? Read the rest of this entry »

On Fitting Rooms

I hate fitting rooms. It’s not really the happiest of experiences when you try to put on the, um, “hippest” clothes, only to find out in dismay that the clothes look horrible on you. And you’d have somebody waiting outside the dressing room, waiting for you to show them how you look.

You cower in one corner, begging to not show them how you look like. Then you’d get a stern voice coming from outside the dressing room, saying “Gerard Adrian, if you don’t come out here this very moment, I’ll leave you alone in the dressing room. And have that serpent-man who lives in the bowels of the mall come up there and eat you. And I’ll throw in a tear gas grenade in there as well. Just get the fuck out!”

A few tearful tantrum-filled minutes later, you would hesitantly open the dressing room door, in the shittiest clothes ever, and you’d find about twenty people (mostly women) staring at you and stifling their laughter because you’re dressed like a Mexican.

Yeah, I have like the shittiest childhood ever. Fuck you.
Read the rest of this entry »

Turning Heads

One of the biggest reasons why I bought an ASUS Eee (which I call “MacEnvy” because of its uncanny similarity with a MacBook) is the form factor. I mean, it’s so frigging small and cute that it’s a guaranteed chick magnet. Not unlike using a very cute baby to walk around the mall with, in the hopes of finding an extremely hot lady who’ll go googly-eyed over the kid.

But then if I had a cute baby on me I wouldn’t need to go around hunting for women, and kidnapping a baby to use as woman bait is out of the question (I promise to never do it again), I’d have to make do with this cute and sexy laptop of mine. I can actually imagine myself, hanging out at the Gateway foodcourt, leeching the shit out of their free wi-fi because I’m too cheap to buy a router, with my Eee, surfing the internet, writing a blog entry, and all that. Then, a really hot lady would walk up to me, and the following conversation ensues:

Lady: Excuse me.
Me: Yes?
Lady: I know you’re pretty busy and all but that is like the sexiest laptop I have ever set my eyes on.
Me: Oh, why thank you dear. Would you like to touch my, um, laptop?
Lady: Only on one condition.
Me: And that is?
Lady: I’ll touch your laptop if you touch my desktop. At home.
Me: Deal. Also, secks?
Lady: Yes.

Terrible sexual innuendos aside, though, the Eee is indeed an attention-grabber. I’ve been getting looks from various people whenever I bring it along. But I think it’s more of the “hey, isn’t that the fat guy who’s been looking at us in a perverted way and tried to steal the brownies we’ve been eating? Should we call the cops?” look. Read the rest of this entry »

Christmas Shopping

I just realized that it’s only a few more days till Christmas, and I still haven’t shopped for a thing yet. So now I run the risk of losing a sizable number of friends, and I don’t want to lose any more especially after the last time I failed to give anybody anything for Christmas.

But the thing is, I’m sort of broke right now due to a certain really impulsive purchase I made around last week, and I’m contemplating robbing a bank or holding a head of state hostage so that I can afford to give anybody gifts. But everybody knows I am incapable of committing crime, so I’ll probably give head to random passers-by in a secluded Quiapo alleyway. But let’s just pretend I don’t do that and that I’m actually a dangerous convict who robs banks for the heck of it.

So I ran into the mall panting like crazy. It’s only a few days before Christmas. I’m becoming desperate, and time is running out. I need to get gifts. Fast. Before my friends kill me. As I get into the awesomely crowded department store – I push about twenty people, including a pregnant woman, an iPod-wearing metro fag with a pink t-shirt on, and an elderly lady – out of my way.

Read the rest of this entry »

BREAKING NEWS: The Man Blog Declares Coup D’état! OMG!

MANILA, Philippines — A group of civilians calling themselves members of The Grand Order of Fail stormed Hotel Sogo in Cubao, Quezon City and declared what they call a “LOL D’état”. They have easily taken over hotel security by threatening them with suspicious-looking liquids contained within sealed vials marked with labels such as “herpes”, “syphilis”, “pubic lice”, “erectile dysfunction”, “premature ejaculation”, and the ominous “I don’t know what the fuck this is but you don’t want to get infected by it”.

The swift takeover of the Hotel Sogo

 
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An Open Letter to Myself. From Myself.

Mr. Ade Magnaye,

It has come to my attention that in the seven months since you became single, your financial, emotional, sexual, and physical well-being has been in a state of constant decline. Yes, I know, you have the urge to tear this letter apart this very moment, and I don’t blame you. In fact, you have every reason to tear this letter apart and jump from the roof of your garage and land facefirst onto the pavement. Again. Hey, it’s your life and I don’t care if you want to waste it by being depressed like fuck and hiding under a blanket and the 20+ pillows you keep in your bedroom.

But hey, hear me out for once, okay? You fucking need some straightening out. Read the rest of this entry »

Ade’s Christmas Wish List 2007

I can’t believe that it’s almost December already. Soon enough, I’ll be braving the crowds (and possibly a knife between my ribs) to get gifts for my (alarmingly decreasing number of) friends and family (who apparently read my blog and are one step away from disowning me). The gifts, as always, will consist of these items:

• Socks (in orange, lime green and baby blue)
• Handkerchiefs
• Belly button lint
• Mongo sprouts (I grew them myself)
• This

But even though I work very hard to give people the things that they want for Christmans, I rarely get things that I like for Christmas, since Santa Claus is an asshole and never gave me a single thing ever. So yeah, my Christmases past are EPIC FAIL:
 

Wrong.

 
To make sure that nobody makes the mistake of giving me a used life-sized David Hasselhoff doll again, I shall proceed in enumerating the things I want for Christmas. Take note, people. Read more

Beowulf in 5 Minutes

 
 
 
BEOWULF IN 5 MINUTES
(SORRY)

 
 
INT. Heorot, ancient Denmark. Inside a great hall, where people are naked, getting drunk, having hot torrid sex, and acting like total douchebags. Yes, this is a children’s film. Enjoy.
 
 
 
 

KING HROTHGAR
My dear Danes! Let us all get drunk,
have orgies, get herpes, and pass out!
For I have promised you a great hall of lust,
and here it is! YAY!

Read more