My Lola’s passing is a moment to celebrate!!!
On May 1st, my maternal grandmother passed away. She was 90 years old.. It was a mixed-emotions kind of situation because honestly, all of her children and grandchildren, including me have been expecting her to go, that is of course euphemistically speaking. Well, she has been going back and forth to the hospital for months that is why we did not expect her to live much longer. We were sad but at the same time we anticipated her time to go and for her to leave us. So, at around 4 o’clock in the afternoon of May 1st she expired surrounded by her loving children in our house in Bicol which is also famously called “the blue house” because of its blue paint of its exterior. Anyway, the other siblings who were there in Bicol informed us who were here in Manila of the latest development. On the same day right after they got the sad news, my mother and one of her sisters quickly grabbed their stuff and off they went to the bus terminal to catch the next bus going to Bicol.
The rest of my family went there on the last night of funeral and I was surprised to see that most of the people there including the rest of my relatives were in a festive mood. Well, for sure they did not mean any disrespect to the the Old Lady but rather was just trying to celebrate the end of my Lola’s (tagalog term for grandmother) sufferings. Because just like what I have mentioned, prior to her death she was a frequent visitor of different medical clinics and hospitals their in our small town somewhere in Camarines Sur. On that note, we were so relieved to see that all her sufferings have ended already. Of course, I was so happy to see all of my relatives as well who I have not seen for so many years because my family have been living here in Manila since 1993. It was truly a time spent well with my cousins, aunties, uncles and other members of the clan whom I have never met until that day.
Have You Found The “Star” of Your Life Yet?
I am trying to write something tonight, well actually it’s already early morning, but for some reason I cannot begin to put all together the words and ideas that are flowing here in my mind. I don’t know how to put them all together. There are so many things that I want to write so I can let everyone know what I feel.
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First of all, I don’t know what to do with my life… again! I am tired of my work and of what I do everyday. I am losing the drive to work and I feel that it’s time for me to do something new and different. I only do my work because I need to and because of necessity. I feel like I am a loser. I am no longer happy with what I do. I feel so lost. It’s not enough that I have a job, what I want is a career or to have my dream business that I can call my own. I do not want to work for someone  anymore, I want other people to work for me. Well, that’s my dream.Â
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Second, I am tired and sick of being alone and of being lonely. My friends and  my family can not give me the happiness that a partner in life can give me. I  may have true and cool friends and family whom I can count on at times when I experience difficulty in my life, who makes me happy and accompany me in good times. But when they’re gone, who will keep me warm in the middle of the night? Who will comfort me when I’m having a nightmare? I need someone to make me happy, someone who will bring out the best in me, who will help me see my worth and someone who believes in me. The time will come when all of my friends will have their own life, family and career and the sad truth is that they cannot be there for me when I need them. That’s the reality of life, right? The people who matters to us most cannot always be there for us to protect us.
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Third, finding someone to share my life with is not that easy. I don’t know what’s wrong with our single guys here. Most of them only wants sex in women and someone who they can posses as their trophy. That’s the sad reality. And when you chance upon a guy who is like that, it can be so devastating. I had an experience just like that. I thought that guy really loved me but sooner I found out that what he wanted in me was just sex. The sad part was that I already fell for him, he already became part of my everyday routine. It was like without him would be so hard coz I was so used with him around me. But I cannot settle for something less coz I know I deserve much more than just a guy who only wants from me was to have sex. So, what do you do with that kind of man? Different women have different ways of disposing of these kinds of men. As for me, I want to kill him with guilt. That’s just exactly what I did. He did not hear any bad things or words against him from me though he wanted me to hurt him physically, maybe to ease some of the burden that he was carrying because he knew that he was guilty of hurting me and using me. But I am not like that, instead, I remain nice to him. True enough the guilt he was feeling was killing him. The good thing about it is that he was man enough to apologize for what he has done to me and because of that we remain friends up to this day.
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After my last relationship, I’ve met several guys who I found are nice and gentlemen but I think I am not yet ready to jump into another relationship or maybe because I have not met yet the right man who I can say I want to spend my life with although in all honestly I want so bad to be with someone who I can love and in return be loved by this man. But I also believe that it is not right to be with someone just for the sake of having a boyfriend or just for the fun of it. There has to be love in there.
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Lucky are those who have already found the other half of their heart and life. So, never take for granted that precious gift that you have right there in front of you. You have to realize that the love that you have right now is the most special thing that anyone can possibly have. Be grateful for that love. And if you have that special star in your life right now take care of it, cherish it and never break its heart, coz a star with a broken heart cannot shine.
And I know for a fact that all of us wants someone in our lives who will shine through us.
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SHARE YOUR BLESSINGS… SPONSOR A CHILD AND BE HAPPY!!! :-)
Four days ago, I was feeling sad and down because i felt that my life was going nowhere.
i didnt know what I am here for, didnt know what should I do with my life. That longing
and the feeling of emptiness led me to search for the meaning of my being.
Ive been reading books hoping I could find some answers about what I was feeling.
But you know, the promise of God is very much alive and true… that is if you look around, you will surely find what you’re looking for.
Yesterday, I was meeting a friend somewhere in Pasig, and while waiting for him,Â
I passed my time strolling around in a mall there, doing nothing in particaular,
just looking around. As I was walking, I saw this one stall in the middle of hallway
of that big mall. I approached it for no reason at all, just for the sake of looking
and satisfying my curiosty.
And there it was, the chance that I was just looking for. The chance to help other
people and be of service to them. As I promised to myself, I want to do something good
out of my empty life and share it to others, well atleast part of my time.
Now, i joined forces wth the organization called World Vision Foundation
(www.worldvision.org.ph) which aims to send unpriveleged kids to school so they can be
able to help their family when they finish their education and return the favor to the
society and hopefully become good citizens of this country.
I am now officially sponsoring one child. I am yet to receive the profile of my
sponsored child and im excited! After signing up the form of sponsorship, I cant hide the
good feeling that i was experiencing that very moment… In an instant, I felt that there
was something lifted out of my chest. The feeling was incomparable, it was such a joy Â
knowing I can be able to help someone have a better life.
So, anyone there who wants to sponsor a child u can just visit the site
www.worldvision.org.ph. Share your blessings!!!
DOING SOMETHING GOOD OUT OF MY EMPTY LIFE….
I am feeling sad today… But it’s ok, I cant complain about my life right now coz compared to other people I have a better life though there are some things that i dont like about it. It would be ungrateful for me to be complaining all the time, instead I want to do something good out of my time and life. Maybe one of the reasons why im feeling empty is because I still cant find what I really want in my life, and what I want to do with it.Â
I want to participate in a volunteer work so I can share to other people not only what I know but also find out what my potentials are, and what more can I do for others. I know it’s kinda selfish to think that I would only be helping others just because I want to feel good and fill the emptiness that im feeling rigth now. But what can I do? I can’t think of any better ways than this. I am not a religious person but i strongly believe that if you want to be closer to the Creator, you have to be close to His Creation.
Im taking the first step now… Im making a pact with myself and hopefully with the help of the Divine Spirit, I would be able to accomplish it. To be honest, I’m scared to die knowing that I haven’t done something good for other people. I used to question myself, what will happen to me when i die and im in front of God and He would ask me ” Hey, My child, what have u done for your brothers and sisters down there on earth?”  Im afraid I can’t be able to give Him a good answer. That is if I would go to Heaven.. (laughs!)
I know what i’m trying to accomplish is something that is very noble and I also know for a fact that it is not very easy to do without the will power. And please don’t get me wrong here. I’m not trying to act as if I can medicate or give solutions to all the social disorders or diseases that we are having right now. I know I dont have that capacity. But I also know that you dont have to move the earth or mountains in order for you to make a difference. All we need to do is start our acts in small steps and from there we will see what we can do next.
So, does anyone know an institution or organizations that might need volunteers? I need your help guys…. Thanks.
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THE FEELING OF NOTHINGNESS
I’m feeling down today, bored, lonely and a bit apprehensive of what life might bring tomorrow. I’m not getting any younger and yet I’m still single, worried that I might end up alone when I grow old. I don’t want that to happen. Most of my friends are married and have already their own families and kids and they are happy. To be honest, I’m a bit envious and jealous of them, seeing them happy and secure with their status, with their husbands who are on their side who loves them. I know I should not be feeling this way but I can’t help but ask what’s wrong with me? Why do I always end up lonely and hurting whenever I’m in a relationship? Why do they always leave me?
I feel as if nobody cared about me, as if I don’t exist at all, as if nobody sees me. I feel so empty, so sad, and I don’t know what to do and don’t know where to go. My life is literally worthless, empty, and there is a big hole somewhere in me. Some of my friends remembers me only when they want or need something out of me  and they forget to see or know how I was or what I’m up to. I want to go somewhere far away wherein nobody knows me, I want to travel the universe and never come back here on Earth. I want to be lost in nowhere, float across the globe, soar in the sky, fly high and never look back. I want to feel nothing, not even joy nor pleasure, no nothing. Just the feeling of nothingness because I feel that that is me. NOTHING… NOBODY..
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REMEMBERING THE GOOD OLD DAYS….
Wow, just the mere mention of ACL makes me nostalgic already, happy and smile and that I want to cry at the same time sometimes. My life has been like a roller coaster in the months that have just past because of the things that happened to me especially when it comes to my emotions and personal life. But before we go to that topic let me start from the very beginning.
Wow, that’s a long story! I started at ACL without any friends or acquaintances. Well, that’s how it really goes when you’re just starting in a new company or in a new working environment. Then after a while I get to meet new people who then eventually became my friends.. Â
I first met Cassanova and got the chance to talk to her. She said her nickname was “Kc”, and I gladly intoduced myself back to her. I said I’m “Badette” which is short for Bernadette. We talked for a bit more and we found out that we’re both from the province of Bicol. Nice, we already have a common denominator and that made us one inch closer to each other – that is being from the same province.
Came the time for us to choose what shift we want to be assigned to, Kc and I
decided that we want to be in night shift. So, that’s it, we were deployed in the 3rd shift.
Then we started working, chatting away, talking to clients and never ending chatting.
And of course, the best part is earning lots of money..heehehhe! well, we deserved it!
I was assigned in room 1209 where I met new faces while KC came to be friends with the scammers…
I mean the top sellers..hehehehhe!!! I met new friends.. well, actually I didn’t mind having few friends then because in the first place it was the job I was after and that’s why I was there in the first place. I was working really hard and after my shift I would go straight home. Good girl…
Then months have passed by, I started to have few friends, and that’s the time that
my friendster account needed updating, I was not really into that thing because I felt that I was too old for that. Anyyway, there I was doing my friendster account and uploading my pictures just for my new friends. It was the “IN” thing, so, what the heck? I jumped into the bandwagon…Then, here is now the exciting part, in a sense that my everyday routine life had a bit of diversion.
Hmmmmm..how do I start? let’s say, someone took notice of me..yehey!! He said, he was a friend of KC’s, and his name was Billie. He introduced himself in this fashion when I asked him who he was,
he said “I’m Billie from ACL, shift 3, friend of Cass (KC). Ah ok…I can still vividly remember the first time he sent me the very first text message. That was new year’s eve. He just sent me a new year’s greeting then I asked him who he was and then he politely replied to my question. Then I said thank you and greeted him back..and that was it. Days have passed as if nothing happened. When we came back to work from theholidays, I wanted to greet and thank Billie in person for showing the nice gesture of greeting me on that special occasion but then it’s as if for him it was just nothing coz when we chanced upon each other at ACL he didn’t say hello to me. So, I let that pass.
Prior to that, to be honest, I never noticed them ( Billie’s Co. ) much less Billie. I dont know..maybe because I was busy and very serious about my job then that I didn’t even notice them. Then one working night, Billie added me to his msn account and it all started there…
Oh, one may wonder where did he get my msn addy and number, it was from KC. And then he started making me laugh, saying nice and sweet things about me like ” you look cool tonight or pretty tonight”, and what do u expect if a guy tells that to a girl? I felt beautiful then. Well, as a matter of fact, it was nice talking to him coz he would always make me laugh and that’s one thing I really like so much about him.
We started talking more, we went together on break time and laugh together. That was it, the reason why he was making friends with me coz he liked me, at least, that’s what he told me. And then things was running smoothly between us though I never planned that to happen.
To make the story a bit shorter, we became an item. To be honest, I never really expected that I would like him ever coz he was not really the kind of guy that I would go for. But it happened. Some things came when we least expect it, right? That’s what happened to me. I started liking him each day
that we were together. Because of him, I get to meet his circle of friends and I became close to them as well.
Those were the happy days coz we get to hang out together. We would have drinking and eating sessions whenever we could and if time and work allows us to have fun together with other friends. It was so much fun coz the entire group was there, we almost occupied the whole place. The never ending story-telling would be heard in the four corners of the bar, and we were so very noisy as if we never seen each other for years. About me and Billie, we were doing ok and happy. The time that we spent together as couple was not that long but there were so many good memories.Â
I still remember the very first time he kissed me and I’m sure that he too still remembers it. He kissed me for the very first time when we were on the elevator. Shortly after that, he then told me that he wants to be on the elevator with me always so he could have a kiss. That thought still makes me smile to this day. And then he loved taking my pictures… I wonder where are those pictures now. He made me buy a sun cellular sim so we could text and talk on the fone for hours after work or at least if we have time…
I still remember the early morning walks I took with him and Butching along Pearl drive. The fried chicken from mini-stop, smoking session, and the laughter that we have shared together. I miss them so much! I wonder if he still remember how hard I would laugh at his jokes. That’s the time I realized I love this guy already. But  I’ve always wondered (and I still do) if he has ever felt the same way for me…hhmmmmmmmmm… Sure, he made me laugh but then he also made me cry. He made me happy but then he also made me sad. He made me feel good but then he also made me feel pain.
And then the inevitable and one of the most dreaded things that a person who’s in a relationship came…. “the break-up”… nice!!! very timely…. It happened before our birthdays. What a birthday gift!
There it was, we broke up before our respective birthdays ( mine is march 26, his is march 23). The good thing about it was that eventhough we’ve already broken up we were still civil to each other. it was hard….just very hard….coz how can I be truly happy during my birthday when my heart was still bleeding? That was the most memorable birthday that I ever had. How could it not become memorable when my heart has just been broken? But eventhough we were no longer together as couple, we still pushed through with the celebration…it was fun, lots of beer, foods and laughter and the entire troop of friends was there and we all got drunk.
All the while they were oblivious that we have just broken up. The days have passed and everything has just started to sink in and I started asking lots of questions.. why? why me? What have I done wrong? Questions like those… Oh, by the way, he was the one who broke up with me… one of the many ironies in life. This is the first time that someone has broken up with me… oh well, thats life.. Well, I dont need to enummerate the reasons as to why he has opted to split up with me because I don’t want to make him look bad. But those who are close to us both knew the reasons why we had to part ways.
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It was doubly hard on my part coz I know I haven’t done something bad to deserve that. I felt so inadequate, so small, so ashamed, and for once my self-steem went spiralling down and it almost break me apart. I wasn’t hurt because he broke up with me or because I lost him. I was hurt so bad coz I think that I’ve done my part in the relationship, and as far as im concerned I was good to him. I know I’m not perfect but I’ve done my share. Well, I guess, that’s life, right? No matter how good I was, there will come a time that some people will try to bring me down. I was hurt becoz I felt I was just being used, I felt I was being played on, and I wasn’t in that relationship just to play a game. That’s how I felt that moment.
Oh well, eventhough it was hard and painful the only thing that I can do was to move on. The most important thing was that I was true to him and in that aspect he cannot blame me for anything because I have done nothing wrong and I did’nt hurt anybody. The realization came and I can do nothing but to move forward. I was (and am still) happy to know that I have friends who have given me strength to go on and that each one of them has given me piece of comfort and advice.
And most of all, they were there for me when I needed company, they accompanied me through the pain, and listened to my lamentations and in my crying moments,Â
That’s life right?  Not always happy. Sometimes we have to suffer in order for us to appreciate the good things that we have. Because of what happened I became closer to my friends. You would think that my guy friends are so manly and macho that someone would think they are insensitive when it comes to this kind of discussion, about giving advice to love problems. But I found out that they are as sensible and sensitive as women. Now I realized that I should not cry over losing him coz he needs to find himself in order for him to learn more about life, relationships and many other things that will make him a good and mature man.
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FULFILLMENT IN WRITING
Im new in this writing stuff online or what is popularly know as weblogging. I have always loved writing coz it gives me release from everything, from sadness, and any possible negative emotions we can possibly feel, in short it is my therapy.  When i was broken hearted, i wrote down my feelings, when i was happy i posted funny thoughts on my home page. That’s how I express my feelings coz i always wanted other people to know how i feel and im happy now that i have a place where i can be able to write and share my feelings, thoughts and ideas for others to read and even comment on if they feel like doing so, and im loving it!
I’ve already written some and im happy to see that my post has been visited and read by others and some even gave comment.. Wow, that feels great!!! It feels good when you know that someone out there understands you and that they can relate to what you are going through. And now i know that some people cared eventhough they are hundred miles away from me.
Back when i still know nothing about blogging, i used to write my ideas on my notebook and i kept them and read them over and over again. One time I wrote something about my experiences in the company which i work for and posted it on my home page. Some of my experiences there are not that good, but i didnt delve on the negative side of it coz i wanted it to be memorable for those who will get the chance to read it, and i really wanted my good friends to know how i feel for them and how much i enjoyed being with them. True enough, most of them enjoyed reading it and for me it felt great and it was worth it knowing that i am heard and that people gets to appreciate and respects me, and they get the chance to know the real me. Isn’t it so fulfilling?!?!?!
Life of a Polymyositis Patient….
First of all, I wanna ask all of you… does anybody know what polymyositis mean? probably some of you does but let me tell some of you who doesn’t. It is a medical condition wherein the muscles in different parts of the human body, especially thighs and both arms are weakened because the immune system does not recognize its own cells and in a way it attacks its own which resullts to this condition. I dont want to discuss it in a scientific way or medically coz I dont want to bore you guys.. maybe I wll discuss it in another time.
Well, sadly I have this condition… and to have this kind of disease is very hard. Because the muscles are weak, the person who has this is also physically weak, so weak to the point wherein it’s hard to do the physical chores like climbing up the stairs, getting up from sitting position, and the most embarassing part is I always trip and fall. Isn’t that so embarassing? and you have to see me walk, it’s like I dont have control over my legs and feet, and my thighs are so small compared to those of others, my muscles are so soft.
But despite this condition that I have I was able to finish my college degree and was able to have a normal life, I’ve had several boyfriends, friends and got a job.  but now that I’m not getting any younger my apprehension gets stronger each day. Like anyone else, I want to get married, have kids and have my own family. What concerns me most is the reality that I have to get pregnant and carry the child in my womb and I know that getting pregnant is not that easy physically. For someone to be able to carry a child she should be emotionally and physically fit. I am emotionally ready but im very sure of myself that I’m not ready physically.
I have already gotten myself checked by a doctor and he gave me steroids for my medicine but I don’t like it coz the drug made me look fat, well I think it’s an aritificial fat only and it didn’t help me any better aside from having the appetite for food. I haven’t been in the doctor’s office for years coz I don’t have much money for the medication. My family is not rich so they can’t support me with all the expenses. I am desperate, sad, scared and sometimes I just wish and pray to God to just take me so I will not suffer anymore. I know I’m being pessimistic right now but that’s just how I feel.
Are You feeling Blue?
Are You Feeling Blue?
Once in our lives, there comes a time when we feel so sad, frustrated, rejected, and dejected, depressed and in some worst case scenarios, suicidal….
There are number of reasons why a person may feel that way. It maybe because of some things that concerns our personal and family life, everyday work related stresses, and pressures from other people, relationship problems which includes friendship or relationship with the opposite sex or loss of a loved one.
For some people it can be emotionally draining and physically exhausting when they are faced with such situations wherein they have to make decisions on how they should deal with the problem. Others resort to aggression, withdrawal, and blaming oneself or other people of their misfortune and sometimes we even ask God silly questions as to why we are experiencing those negative feelings. These things that are happening to our emotions are inevitable because we are living in a very cruel and worldly place wherein most of us are very much consumed and preoccupied with amassing earthly possessions at the expense of other people which more often than not results into chaos and misunderstanding among ourselves and to the extent of forgetting the real value and essence of living a good, honest and decent life.
As humans, we are subject to feel pain, pleasure, happiness and other negative emotions that we can possibly feel. One thing is for sure, that living in this world is not a bed of roses and that there are so many things that we have to endure as we go through the different stages of life.
Now the question is how do we counter those negative thoughts and emotions that at some point if not addressed properly and promptly can crush our vulnerable spirit?
Well, if we look around us we will see that life is not that bad at all. There are so many simple things that can make us smile; like the face of an innocent child, the blossoming of the flowers in the garden, the beautiful sceneries around us, and many more to mention. All we just have to do is take a look around us, appreciate and be satisfied with all the things that we have.
There are lots of things that we can do to overcome that bad energy in our mind and soul. First of all, we have to acknowledge our inner SELF- the psychological monster that’s been bugging us spiritually and mentally, only then can we be able to resolve the nagging negative voice inside us…
No matter how shattered we are, we can still find peace and healing in the face of the most devastating situations. To heal our broken spirit we have to share our sufferings with other people. We can do this by giving part of our time to comfort the souls of those who are the victims of all forms of abuse, neglected, broken-hearted and the sick. It is important for us to realize that these people are also experiencing the same problems that we are dealing with. It may also be comforting to be in their presence because with them we feel an air of camaraderie knowing that we are not alone in our suffering and that others understand what we are going through and that they are there willing to help and encourage us to go on….
Another approach is to cry our heart out…It is never a bad thing to cry and let out all our heartaches flow from our system. We should also accept within ourselves that we are weak, helpless and that without the help of others we can do nothing…
Let our tears pour down from our eyes and let out the toxins that have been poisoning our body and undermining our soul…and lastly, leave our life in the welcoming hands of Our Creator. Let Him lead us wherever He wants us to take. Just simply surrender to Him and definitely everything will turn out right. We should keep in mind that there is always a rainbow after the storm…A rainbow that will make us smile and allow us to embrace life once again. A life we once knew before the storm hit us….Let us celebrate life!!!
