It’s Hard Being a Cannibal
Contrary to popular opinion, being a cannibal is not all roses and rainbows. In fact, it can be downright lonely. You can only have people over for dinner only once, and you keep running out of friends. When you do get to meet new people, they have this tendency of turning their backs on you once they find out the truth.
But I’m here to tell you that cannibals are people too. We have feelings, thoughts, and ideas too. Don’t you think we get hurt when nobody shows up for our dinner parties? Don’t you think we do not bleed when you fight back as your last vestiges of life slowly fades away? Don’t you think we get tired of the constant ridicule? Enough is enough! We demand respect! We demand acceptance! But most of all, we demand you to keep still!
So You’re De-Evolving
Do you find that your facial hair is starting to spread past your face? Are your knuckles a few inches closer to the ground than normal? Do you feel like you’re spending more and more time climbing trees and throwing feces at your friends?
Well these are the classic signs of what is known as De-Evolving. Don’t be afraid, a lot of people have gone through this phenomenon, and they are now settling fine in their respective zoos.
On Office Presentations
Let me tell you something about office presentations. They don’t tell you anything that you don’t already know.
That’s right.
When was the last time that you went into a presentation and you told the presenter (presentationer? presentationist?) “Holy Shit! I was not aware of that important piece of information! How could I have been blind all these years? From now on, I will live my life according to what I have learned from you. Quick! Take off your pants and impregnate me with your genius!”
Avenue Q!
It looks like it’s going to be a very busy week so I’m going to make this short.
The wife and I weren’t expecting to enjoy Manila’s Presentation of Avenue Q as much as we did.For starters, we’ve been listening to the soundtrack for over a year, and I was afraid we’d be sick of the songs by now.
Also, the fact that most of the numbers from the show can now be found in Youtube kind of robs the show its novelty.
Foreign Language
The wife and I barged into the bookstore and made a beeline toward the reason for our being there. We searched frantically and we searched sexily, but no amount of franticness or sexiness can produce the volume on which hinges the success of our happiness. Books dealing in bizaarre topics like cosmetic dentistry in San Diego, and practicing martial arts while working for the government were present, but not the ones we were looking for.
“WE NEED TO ASK SOMEONE!” my wife exclaimed frantically.
“I KNOW! BUT WHO?!” I replied sexily.
“IF ONLY THERE,” my wife paused to catch her breath. “WAS SOME SORT OF GUARDIAN IN THIS STORE OF BOOKS UPON WHO WE CAN ASK ABOUT OUR DILEMMA!”
“LIKE A BOOKSTORE AGENT. OR STORE MASTER!” I said as I removed my shirt and slammed it on the floor in triumph.
“Uh excuse me?” said a timid voice from somewhere at the end of the aisle.
“Well?” I said impatiently. “Speak up young knave! We have pressing matters that demand our attention!”
How I almost passed out at the gym
So after almost a year of sitting on my butt and doing an exorbitant amount of getting fat, I finally decided to go back to boxing. I used to go regularly, but I had to stop just before the wedding because my days back then were filled with me avoiding doing wedding preparations.
I vowed then that right after the honeymoon, after we’ve figured out our daily routine, I’d go back to boxing. Unfortunately, just like my promise to stop my crimefighting activities, or to get started on my dancing career, this promise was made to sit on the shelf while a masked, flamenco-dancing vigilante roamed the streets ensuring a better tomorrow for all of us.
You’re welcome by the way.
What was it like before books were invented?
Have you ever wondered what it was like before books were invented? People would have to tell their stories verbally. Can you imagine how many people we’d have walking around with authors telling them stories? Can you imagine how noisy our libraries were? Nobody would get any studying done! Then there would be the issue of checking out these authors from the library. A popular story would mean the author would be covered with “Return on date…” stamps. Think about the poor author and his skyrocketing dry cleaning bills.
Filipino Driver Aptitude Test
Do you have what it takes to drive a public utility vehicle in the streets of Metro Manila? Do you have a driver’s license? Do you know the difference between left and right?If the answer to all the questions above are “YES” then you have the basic skills to be a Filipino driver. Feel free to continue and take the test below. If your answers above are “NO,” take the test anyway! Remember, in the Philippines, everyone can drive! Even the blind!
1 . What do the colors below mean to you?
a. They’re the colors of a traffic light. Red means stop. Yellow means prepare to stop. Green means go! (Hint: This is the correct answer)
b. It’s Christmas with a hint of hepatitis.
c. Colors? (Hint: I know it’s hard to comprehend, but there’s such a thing as colors. And when you see these three lights on an intersection, they actually mean something. Please don’t choose this option. Choose option “a.” “A” is the correct answer!)
Foot in Mouth Disease
A colleague and I were going back to the office after spending a hellish morning at Quezon City Hall. Naturally, our conversation topic was about local government units. She was a sweet old lady that everybody liked. But since our responsibilities at work don’t always intersect, I really didn’t know all that much about her.
“Makati’s City Hall is a lot better than Quezon City’s. Have you been there?” she asked me.
“Really? I don’t think so,” I replied.
“Oh it’s really nice. The lines are much shorter. It’s not as hot. And they even have an elevator.”
“Cool. Hey, how do you know? Do you live in Makati?”
She said yes. Then she proceeded to tell me about the perks of being a Makati resident.
New Ultron Ad
My buddy who works at an ad agency is asking me to pimp the new TV Ad they just finished. He wants to generate as much exposure for this ad so feel free to pass it around.
